Are there any good Goddamn clubs in this City?

Been stuck in goddamn hot club with this phony piano player, people who just will not shut up, and the only person keeping me any quality company is my cool Scotch and soda. Can't stand all these preppy morons, always wanting to include you in some 'big picture', some big idea of what the world it, removing any decent intimacy one might have with another human being.

For God's sake, people need to learn to mind their own damn business and stop bothering every person who just wants to go out to the club in peace. Goddamn attention seekers, all of them. Trying to include everyone publicly, but they only exclude everyone personally. Can't stand trying to entertain all of them.

Ernies, you're a goddamn layer of Hell, that's what you are.

Gonna leave as soon as I get the chance.

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.

I'm back, for a while.

So yeah. I have written anything here for a while and all. Been busy with other things.

But ya know what. I don't care about much anymore. Shoulda just stay put and kept everything to myself.

I've been missing a bunch of people since the last time I wrote. I sorta wish I could see guys like Stradlater and Ackley, just to know what they're doing and all.

Don't think I'll be using this blog much anymore. It's gotten tiring writing about every little thing that happens to me. Maybe I should just mu business to myself more, but whatever.

I don't care that much anymore.

Writing about the past makes you wish you could be in the past more and more, and that just is not possible.

Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe Phoebe will go back to her life as it once was.

It's to late for me. I don't care. I'll leave the guy I once was behind me now. I'll just share his memories, his thoughts, his life, as long as I can keep it all in my mind.

Watching her on that damn carousel, going around and around. The things stuck in place, yet it keeps going and going on the inside. Like Phoebe. Just like Phoebe.

I think I'm gonna take a break from this blog thing for a while. Get some rest and all.

Help. I don't need Help. Help.

Goddamn this City!

Damnit!

Damnit.

You'd think that in this cesspool, this polluted pile of dung that don't show no respect to anyone of the phoneys that stroll down the street, you think. You think some respect might be soon for the kids, the dead.

But NO!!!!

NO ONE GETS ANY GODDAMN RESPECT ANYMORE!!!!

NOT EVEN THE GODDAMN MUSEUM WILL CLEAN UP THE TRASH THAT POLLUTES THE TOMBS OF DEAD MEN!!!

damn damnit all

Theres no  hope anymore. I'm just gonna grow old, die, and be forgotten. Like a phony.

It's just a straight line, life is. Can never go back where you were. Just keeping running and running to the edge of the cliff with no one to catch you. No one.

Never gonna return to where Phoebe is now. Soon she's gonna meet me here, and she'll never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back...

Damnit Antolini

Mr. Antolini. I like you and all, but damnit, right do you have to be a phony sometimes.

You think that I'm setting myself up for a fall, but you don't even know where I'm really going to in life now.

I ain't gonna fall, nor am I gonna try to climb up like how my teachers expect me to do so. No, I'm gonna stay right on this level, and walk across the flat land, never going or up or down.

Thats why I need to get out of this city. To many high and low points that I can get lost in. Just need somewhere flat.

I still think Mr. Antolini is swell and everything. I just think he's gotta learn what side of the rye feild he should stay on.

Going to bed now.

Time to go.

Don't need NYC no more. It's to crowded for my taste, and I gotta be going somewhere else before this City tears me to shreds.

Made plans to stop over at Mr. Antolini's place, then head out West.

I feel bad I'm leaving Old Phoebe and guys like Antolini behind. But they belong here, not me. Still, I'm worried about Phoebe. She's gonna be vulnerable to whatever phony crap my folks try to push her through.

I need to give her something to protect herself from this.

Damn, I think my parents my be getting here right now. I'm gonna check first.

The Rye Feild

Someday, the whole world will be one big Rye field, and I'll be its owner, harvester, and protecter.

All the kids who lack direction won't have to fear falling off the cliff to their doom.

I'll be there. I'll be there forever, making sure every kid stays safe and protected.

I'll be there with Allie. With James Castle. We'll live there forever. And Ever.

Phoebe says I'm wrong about it all. She just needs me to guide her right. That's all.