Are there any good Goddamn clubs in this City?

Been stuck in goddamn hot club with this phony piano player, people who just will not shut up, and the only person keeping me any quality company is my cool Scotch and soda. Can't stand all these preppy morons, always wanting to include you in some 'big picture', some big idea of what the world it, removing any decent intimacy one might have with another human being.

For God's sake, people need to learn to mind their own damn business and stop bothering every person who just wants to go out to the club in peace. Goddamn attention seekers, all of them. Trying to include everyone publicly, but they only exclude everyone personally. Can't stand trying to entertain all of them.

Ernies, you're a goddamn layer of Hell, that's what you are.

Gonna leave as soon as I get the chance.

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.

I'm back, for a while.

So yeah. I have written anything here for a while and all. Been busy with other things.

But ya know what. I don't care about much anymore. Shoulda just stay put and kept everything to myself.

I've been missing a bunch of people since the last time I wrote. I sorta wish I could see guys like Stradlater and Ackley, just to know what they're doing and all.

Don't think I'll be using this blog much anymore. It's gotten tiring writing about every little thing that happens to me. Maybe I should just mu business to myself more, but whatever.

I don't care that much anymore.

Writing about the past makes you wish you could be in the past more and more, and that just is not possible.

Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe Phoebe will go back to her life as it once was.

It's to late for me. I don't care. I'll leave the guy I once was behind me now. I'll just share his memories, his thoughts, his life, as long as I can keep it all in my mind.

Watching her on that damn carousel, going around and around. The things stuck in place, yet it keeps going and going on the inside. Like Phoebe. Just like Phoebe.

I think I'm gonna take a break from this blog thing for a while. Get some rest and all.

Help. I don't need Help. Help.

Goddamn this City!

Damnit!

Damnit.

You'd think that in this cesspool, this polluted pile of dung that don't show no respect to anyone of the phoneys that stroll down the street, you think. You think some respect might be soon for the kids, the dead.

But NO!!!!

NO ONE GETS ANY GODDAMN RESPECT ANYMORE!!!!

NOT EVEN THE GODDAMN MUSEUM WILL CLEAN UP THE TRASH THAT POLLUTES THE TOMBS OF DEAD MEN!!!

damn damnit all

Theres no  hope anymore. I'm just gonna grow old, die, and be forgotten. Like a phony.

It's just a straight line, life is. Can never go back where you were. Just keeping running and running to the edge of the cliff with no one to catch you. No one.

Never gonna return to where Phoebe is now. Soon she's gonna meet me here, and she'll never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back.

Never go back...

Damnit Antolini

Mr. Antolini. I like you and all, but damnit, right do you have to be a phony sometimes.

You think that I'm setting myself up for a fall, but you don't even know where I'm really going to in life now.

I ain't gonna fall, nor am I gonna try to climb up like how my teachers expect me to do so. No, I'm gonna stay right on this level, and walk across the flat land, never going or up or down.

Thats why I need to get out of this city. To many high and low points that I can get lost in. Just need somewhere flat.

I still think Mr. Antolini is swell and everything. I just think he's gotta learn what side of the rye feild he should stay on.

Going to bed now.

Time to go.

Don't need NYC no more. It's to crowded for my taste, and I gotta be going somewhere else before this City tears me to shreds.

Made plans to stop over at Mr. Antolini's place, then head out West.

I feel bad I'm leaving Old Phoebe and guys like Antolini behind. But they belong here, not me. Still, I'm worried about Phoebe. She's gonna be vulnerable to whatever phony crap my folks try to push her through.

I need to give her something to protect herself from this.

Damn, I think my parents my be getting here right now. I'm gonna check first.

The Rye Feild

Someday, the whole world will be one big Rye field, and I'll be its owner, harvester, and protecter.

All the kids who lack direction won't have to fear falling off the cliff to their doom.

I'll be there. I'll be there forever, making sure every kid stays safe and protected.

I'll be there with Allie. With James Castle. We'll live there forever. And Ever.

Phoebe says I'm wrong about it all. She just needs me to guide her right. That's all.

Getting tired.

In my apartment now. Getting warmer. Saw Phoebe in D.B.'s room. I like to think she sleeps in there cause she's just about as smart as D.B. She's sleeping.

Damn. Wish I could sleep like that. All calm, relaxed, in utter peace. Not turning about thinking and dreaming about what the damn world is gonna throw at you next. Just still and frozen in place.

Sometimes I think I should just go to sleep and dream that I'm a kid just laying in the grass, letting the clouds pass me overhead forever and ever. Never have to wake up. Just be there, forever. Sleeping.

Think I'll wake Phoebe now. Talk to her a bit.

Cold.

Goddamn cold. Goddamn it all. I'm cold.

I'm isolated from the rest of the world, but I don't care.

Maybe I'll freeze to death, but I don't care right.

I'll freeze and I'll be me forever. Won't have to become a phony. I'll be free from that world. Free.

Gotta get to Phoebe. Gotta see her.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

Apparently I'm sick or something...

Luce says I'm sick. Sick in the head. Don't remember exactly what he says about, but I don't care. The problem with Luce calling me sick and all, and that the guy has the sickness of being a phony and all.

Maybe its all the cold weather, or maybe the crap they're pushing in his heading in school. Guy wears a facade of having sex all the time, even though a deaf bat could see he ain't. His minds stuck in this loop of thinking how great he is and all, and anything that points out his crap and all he's gotta throw away and make up damn excuses for himself.

Guy thinks he always has to be right or something. And if you aren't what he sees right, you're just fake in his eyes.

God, what a weenie. I'm gotta get another drink now...

No kid left behind

Some a movie about the War just now. Got me thinking about what those military types say about rescuing their guys that get shot up and stuff.

"No Man Left Behind"

Makes me think. Makes me think that kids need their own military or something. A big group of kids that makes sure that no one gets left behind to be sucked into the big, dumb world. I would never serve in the real military, but I'd be a Goddamn general in the kids military. I'd watch everyones back and make sure no harm comes to them. There, everyone one would count. From the General to the Drummer Boy.

"No Kid Left Behind"

I like the ring of that.

Damn. Better hurry. Don't wanna be late for drinks.

Need to escape...

I'm tired of this Goddamn city. Everyone, everything is fake and proud of it. Everywhere you go here, theres some flashing, colourful lights urging you to see a damn play or something, making you feel all nice inside. Only before its too late to you realize you're getting pushed into a dark, tightly packed room full of strangers you can't talk to, watching a bunch of phoneys pretend they either like you or people far better than they are.

Every damn building wears its lights on the outside at night like some sort of award, like they think they're the best buildings out their. But you go inside them, and they are all damn cold and stuff like that. Bright on the outside, cold on the inside. Just like every Goddamn person in this Goddamn city.

I need to get out of here, out of  this fake society that captures you like a wild animal and feeds you bull crap coated with sugar. Somewhere that's cold on the outside, never changing, but always warm and fresh on the inside. Somewhere North. Yeah.

Maybe Sally would like to come with me...

Nice weather right now.

Damn. You gotta love this NYC winter we have right now, but it looks like I'm the only one doing so. Everyone else is bundled up and complaining at how cold its getting. The key of getting through the winter is not to think of yourself as getting colder, but think that the warmth in you is getting warmer and warmer as the time goes on.

That's how you survive this place. You let the cold and ice incase, make it keep you in a frozen state, but Goddamn it, have all the warmth and joy in your heart keeping flowing through you. Don't let the cold control you, let it protect you.

I see that everywhere with how the little kids act in this City when the cold comes. They just endure through it and all, keeping their spirits up and not letting the cold around them pull them down. They are always living on the inside, even when all the thick clothes they wear make them look like walking coffins or something.

FIngers are getting cold. Better save the rest of my thoughts until I get to the museum.

Broken Things

Everything around me is so Goddamn fragile, I wonder what everything doesn't just shatter into a million pieces instantly. My mom for one is probably gonna break once she learns I've been booted from school again. The cracks she makes will most likely break apart the whole damn family both as single persons and from each other. I'll probably be left alone to sweep up the glass.



Was talking to some Nuns today about Old Shakespeare, and it got me thinking about this play I once read. Glass Menagerie it was called. Tennessee Williams wrote it and all. Thought it was pretty cool. It talked about how easy families can be broken, they even have a bunch of glass knick knacks that break at some parts or so. I remember someone saying that it also was meant to show how success is just unreachable for some people, and how their parents shouldn't expect them to be exactly how they want them to be.

Weesh, maybe if Mom and Dad read a little bit of it, they wouldn't break so easily.

Goddamn this place, and all of its employees!

Maurice came by to collect the money I "still owned" Sunny. Guy was a real jerk about it, beat me up and stole the cash, and all that. He's lucky he works at a place like this, in a job where no one suspects he hides a different means of work.

This whole Hotel can go to Hell for all that I care. No matter where ya go, up or down, in or out, public or private, there's always some sick phony trying to push their Goddamn stupid rules or ideals by some dumb ass enforcement.

It's like the mob, in those gangster movies. On the outside, they seem trustworthy and alright, but once you start digging beneath the surface, you begin to see that they're nothing but immoral thieves, rouges, and killers.


 Killers of innocence.

Ain't No Sunshine

I feel bad for people like me. Kids, you know. We all keep getting pulled into this big, stupid fake world and are corrupted by what the grown ups think are productive for us, but it only degrades the goodness we already had inside.

Take Sunny.

Kid is barely around my age, and she's already been taken by this dumb world and turned into its civil servant for the sexually repressed and frustrated. Girls like that need to keep their innocence,  not let themselves slip into this trap called adulthood.

Goddamn this City! It rots away all that was pure about these kids and leaves them nothing but a dead shell of what they used to be, only twisted and darken.

I'm gonna have a smoke now. Take my mind off of it.

Its getting cold around here...

I was having a great time downstairs in the lounge, but I've noticed its gotten colder around here. Not just in the hotel, but this whole goddamn city. I feel the chilling breeze sweep into the building, but no one else seems to notice it. It's probably all the goddamn drinks they're having, numbing their senses from whats happening around them. What phoneys, pretending they can keep on  going into the night when the cold wants them keep still.

Makes me think that some guy like Jack Frost or whoever is having a smoke outside or something. Just keeps buffing into his little damn stick like a gust from a damn blizzard or something.

I need something. Something warm, like Jane. Damn, Jane was always warm, cause we were always somewhere warm, somewhere we could be ourselves without this damn cold coming in.

Hmm. Maybe i should go out, that'll warm me up for the rest of the night.

Great night so far...

My story is much too sad to be told,
but practically everything
leaves me totally cold.
The only exception i know is the case,
when i'm out on a quiet spree,
fighting vainly the old enui
and i suddenly turn and see,
your fabulous face.

I get no kick from Champagne
Mere alchohol doesn't thrill me at all
so tell me why should it be true
that i get a kick
out of you

Some get a kick from cocain
i'm sure that if i took even one sniff
that would bore me terrificly too
yet i get a kick out of you

i get a kick every time i see you standing there before me
i get a kick though its clear to me you obviously don't 
adore me

I get no kick in a plane
Flying too high 
with some guy in the sky is my idea of nothing to do

Yet i get a kick
Out of you 


So the waiter in the hotel lounge won't serve me any liqour. You know what, I don't want any anyway. The band here's been playing some Cole Porter songs while I've been talking to these out of town girls. I don't need any liquor to get a kick of them. I'm having a great time without any booze so far. Goddamn it, I'd like it better if the Band weren't so Brassy, though.

When a bands to Brassy, makes me feel like I'm being yelled at by a a chorus of phony Musicians who don't know how to keep things light. That's what I like, light and swinging, something that makes you feel young and carefree.

Think the music I like should make life out to be  always easy sailing and all, where you can do or be whatever you want. Reminds me of another Cole Porter song...

Times have changed,
And we've often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stem,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking,
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.

Good authors too who once knew better words,
Now only use four letter words
Writing prose, Anything Goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes

When grandmama whose age is eighty
In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo's,
Anything Goes.

When mothers pack and leave poor father
Because they decide they'd rather be tennis pros,
Anything Goes.

If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will oppose!
When every night,
The set that's smart
Is intruding in nudist parties in studios,
Anything Goes.


The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes


If saying your prayers you like,
If green pears you like
If old chairs you like,
If back stairs you like,
If love affairs you like
With young bears you like,
Why nobody will oppose!


And though I'm not a great romancer
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes...
Anything goes!

Just Me and the Big NYC

Who needs to phone up anyone when you're in a city of Millions. I mean goddamn, if I was the most popular kid at all the schools I went to over the years, freinds with everyone from the football jerks to the geometry geeks, it wouldn't fill the bottom of the beer bottle that is this City.

Damn. You can see everything here, all at once. No little meet ups in small little dorm rooms, like how they shoot scenes in the movies, where even an idiot can tell its a bunch of actors in a fake set of a room, and the camera just goes back and forth between two people talking to each other.

No, here everything is always alive and moving, and you can just stand back and watch it, or get right in the middle of it. You don't need any single one person in the world as long as you got this city to yourself.

Well, maybe excepted Phoebe...

I'm a Dirty Janitor

Title sounds a bit confusing, I know. I guess this is sorta like irony or something, maybe even an apology for Rudolph Schmidt, a man who gets things cleaned, whose name I used to cover up a dirty lie.

I made Morrow sound like the cleanest soul at the whole damn school to his Mama just so I could keep myself clean. It was like I was reverse mopping a floor; slowing slopping more and more dirt on and on with the mop, with no one being the wiser about it. Being a fake Janitor to get along with a fake Mother of a godamn fake punk like Morrow.

Those are the type of phoneys I hate the most. The ones that say one thing while they do the complete opposite. Man, I still got the taste of that stale school in my mouth. After I get to NYC, I'll be all cleansed from this dirt. 

Like to think sometimes that Old Schmidt sees himself like some sorta Knight or something, crusading against the filth that Phony Prep likes to leave lying around.

Bye Bye, Phoney Prep, Bye Bye

I'm leaving this stupid place in a little while. Leaving behind all the things I won't miss at all. Stradlater. Ackley. The teachers. Everything!

Heard this song a while ago. Maybe from a movie or something, I dunno. Don't really like it that much, but it captures how I feel about this place. Guess Im sorta fly away from here all now. Here's the lyrics for you guys that actually like to read and know the meaning of songs and all.

Blackbird, blackbird singing the blues all day right outside my door Blackbird, blackbird gotta be on your way Where there's sunshine galore All through the winter you just hang around Now your going back home Blackbird, blackbird gotta be on your way Where there's sunshine galore Pack up all my cares and woes, Here i go, singing low, Bye, bye, blackbird. Where somebody waits for me, Sugar is sweet, so is she, Bye, bye, blackbird. No one here can love and understand me, Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me. Make my bed and light the light, I'll arrive late tonight, Blackbird, bye, bye. Pack up all my cares and woes, Here i go, singing low, Bye, bye, blackbird. Where somebody waits for me, Sugar is sweet, so is she, Bye, bye, bye, bye, blackbird. I said, no one here can love and understand me, Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me. So, make my bed and light the light, I'll arrive late tonight, Blackbird, bye, bye. Make my bed and light the light, I'll arrive late tonight, Blackbird, I said blackbird, I said blackbird, Oh, blackbird, bye, bye.

Everyone's a critic...

So Stradlater didn't much care for my little composition I wrote for him. Nerve of the guy. Thinks I'm stupid, but at least I don't gotta make some I see as inferior do my work for me.

Still a little hazy from what the jerk did to me just now. Shoulda told me about whatever we where talking about. Better take a break from the computer. My eyes are getting a little tired from the light and all that. Ugh.

I sorta feel like the guy in the middle there: Stuck somewhere and fighting for my life. Maybe Spencer was right. Maybe life is a get game after all. Whatever.

Writing some Stuff for Stradlater...Overjoyed

There's something about writing and reading and other English stuff that people don't get about me. They think I'm good at it all cause I love it so much and all. Truth be told, every time I write something, like what I'm doing for Stradlater right now, theres not a lot of heart going into it. Yeah, sure, I like it and all, but I always feel there's something missing. Something that was perfect inside of me that I can't stop from leaving me.

Feeling down all of a sudden. Gonna take a break from covering Stradlater's ass to think about things.


Think about Allie.

Humphrey Bogart and Other Phony Movie Actors

One of the things I hate the most about the movies is how Phony the actors ARE. Not just how they have Phoney emotions and feelings that someone else wrote for them, but who they really ARE in real life that they don't show to the chumps in the cinemas.

Take Humphrey Bogart as an example. In a bunch of movies I saw him in, he's got a full head of hair that just drives the galls crazy. But from what I hear, he really wears a wig, a big fat fake wig cause the guys balding in real life.

But do they put that on the posters for his movies.

"Come see the spectacle that is Phoney BigFarce new, shiny, big money fake crop of hair as you've never seen it before."

Wouldn't that be great.

Jane

So, Stradlater says he's got a date with Jane Gallagher. To think I guy like Stradlater, and don't think that me knocking the guy means I hate his guts or anything, could get with a girl as sweet as Jane is sicking. How she even hooked up with him I'll never known.

She used to be so protective of things, like how she kept her kings back when we played checkers as kids. Shame that she's pushing those kings to be taken out by players like Stradlater.

Damn it. I think Ackley is trying to get in again. Why guys like these can't leave me alone, I'll never known. Ugh!

Reminded me of those good days with Jane...

Stradlater Shaving

Found this cartoon of Stradlater shaving. Well, I don't think the guy who drew even knew Stradlater, I think its just, you know, what Stradlater is in a way, I guess.

Last days readings.

Justing reading for the last couple of days here at Phony Prep. Checking out this book, 'Out of Africa', and its got some cool stuff in it and all. There's this one quote that I'm not to sure if I got to yet, but I remember someone in the English wing talking about it. It goes like, 

"You know you are truly alive when you’re living among lions"

Guess I ain't really alive right now, cause all the Lions I got is Ackley bugging the hell outta me right now. The guy

Photo with Spencer

Just finished meeting up with old Spencer. Man, I tell ya, the guy is just to up about them Ancient Egyptian, I think its starting to affect his health. Found a picture of the Old man, check it out below.

Nothing to do

Man, the sooner I get the helluva of this school the better, cause I don't have anything to do until that happens. Maybe I'll visit Old Spencer sometime later...

I got a Blog... for some reason.

Since I'm getting kick out of Phony Prep, I'll have a lot more time doing my own thing. This one guy down near the gym, I think a Senior or something, said I should stop yapping at him about the things I don't like about this school and just get a blog. I think he meant it as some sorta insult, but I don't care. He can stick it where the sun don't shine, cause I think I'm gonna be doing something with this Blog thing. Maybe. Who knows?